


Heartbeat

by curlsgetdemgurls



Category: Outlander & Related Fandoms, Outlander (TV), Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/F, F/M, Loss, Love, Searching
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-01
Updated: 2019-02-01
Packaged: 2019-10-20 12:37:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17622527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/curlsgetdemgurls/pseuds/curlsgetdemgurls
Summary: There were three times in Claire’s life after she left Jamie to his destiny on Culloden Moor that she thought her heart might one day beat again. Three times that she felt like she had something to give and something to take if only to remind herself to live.





	Heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy this one shot! It's a bit different!

Claire’s heart had been ripped out of her chest the moment she passed through the stones, leaving Jamie behind in 1746. It nearly killed her when she realized just when and where she was. He was dead. And there was nothing Claire could do now or ever that would change that fact. She had made a promise to him — to return to Frank, her first husband and raise the child she was now carrying, with him. 

It was a lie. Their child was raised in a lie. Frank had been extremely happy when she returned — in shock and disbelief that she had come back to him. But she hadn’t come back, at least not fully. Her heart was with Jamie back in 1746 on the battlefield of Culloden. The only thing that Frank ever had was the physical body of Claire — even then, she could not fully give that to him either. 

Try her best to forget the past and move forward, every day was a day lived in agony without Jamie. After her return to Frank, they had stayed at the Reverend’s Manse for a few weeks while she recovered from the journey and they sorted everything out in Scotland. Claire couldn’t help but flinch every time Frank tried to touch her. She knew he was seeking comfort from his long lost wife and she hated herself that she wasn’t that woman anymore. 

Once, she had loved Frank and dearly. Young and naive, she had married him when she was nineteen and had followed him wherever he led them. Then when they were parted for six years during the war _(the majority of their marriage)_ , Claire and Frank naturally grew distant. That’s what led them to Scotland in the first place — a second honeymoon. Only Claire would wander upon standing stones that called out to her and when she touched them, her life would never be the same. 

She had explained to Frank time and time again that she was in love with another man and that he was existed in another century. Thinking her insane, Frank struggled to accept her truth. Only when she told him she was pregnant did he come around and choose to believe whatever story she wanted to tell him. Frank wanted a child, no matter the father. Except he made Claire promise to raise the child to believe that he was their father and not Jamie — a tall, red headed warrior from the 18th century. 

Agreeing to this, Claire and Frank moved to Boston where he accepted a job as a professor at Harvard. It hadn’t always been easy and at times, Claire felt extremely lonely. Her marriage with Frank was that of convenience and obligation, but not of love — not as it had been and not as it ever had been with Jamie Fraser. 

There were three times in Claire’s life in Boston that she thought her heart might one day beat again. Three times that she felt like she had something to give and something to take if only to remind herself to live. 

Frank and Claire tried in the beginning. But no amount of trying on either end would save their marriage. A couple of years after Brianna was born _(with flaming red hair),_ they decided to no longer share one bed. Several times Claire had come to Frank, feeling desperate, aching with desire, but when she made love to him, it wasn’t Frank who she was thinking of. It was always Jamie and with her eyes closed, she could pretend it really _was_ him. Frank was a prideful man, and smart as well — catching on to the fact that she couldn’t and wouldn’t fully be able to give herself to him. 

So they continued to raise Brianna as best they could while also managing to live their own separate personal lives. It was when Brianna was seven and brought home her friend Jessica Nelson to play that Claire found out her heart could beat — even just a little. 

When Claire and Frank first moved to Boston, they knew no one. But Claire found a quick friend with Millie Nelson and over the next several years; her and her husband Jerry were invited over for many dinners. Claire didn’t have many friends save Millie and Joe Abernathy who was working to become a doctor just like Claire. 

Millie wasn’t as daft as she seemed, she knew something wasn’t quite right between Claire and Frank and had asked her as much one day when Millie brought over her daughter Jessica. 

“Is everything alright between you and Frank?” Millie took the martini from Claire’s out stretched hand and took a seat on the couch in Claire’s living room. 

“Everything’s as fine as it’ll ever be,” Claire smiled, pouring her own drink before joining Millie on the couch. “Why do you ask?”

“I notice these things,” her friend touched her knee lightly. “I only ask now because I can tell you two aren’t the perfect couple you try so hard to show.” Claire started to object, but Millie raised her hand. “It’s also because I see mine and Jerry’s relationship reflected in yours.” 

“You two are having problems?”

“Have been for years,” Millie said over the top of her glass. “I found him cheating on me with his secretary, some blonde bimbo. I wanted him out of the house, but he promised to work on our relationship,” Millie rolled her eyes. 

Claire was hesitant to reveal too much of what it had actually been like between her and Frank. The arrangement they had come to agree upon worked for them. It was far from ideal, but their circumstances were also extremely rare. 

“Frank and I —“ Claire began, shamefully looking down at her lap. “Well we’ve both seen other people. I haven’t in quite some time, but the fact of the matter is that I was married to Frank when it happened.” 

“An affair? Oh how juicy!” Millie nodded, urging for Claire to go on. 

“Don’t you think I’m a horrible person? You just called your husband’s mistress a blonde bimbo,” Claire smirked. 

“When it’s not my life, it’s fascinating,” Millie remarked, biting the olive from the toothpick. “So you slept with another man and Frank cheated as well?”

It hurt to hear the reality out loud, but it was also a relief in some ways to be able to talk about it with someone. “Yes, it was many years ago and just the one man. Frank and I have agreed to have sort of an open relationship.” 

“That’s progressive,” Millie’s eyes shot up. “I’m sure Jerry would love that! He’d probably even suggest we invite his secretary to join us in bed.” 

Claire finished her drink, tossing her head back and wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. She set down the glass on the coffee table in front of her. “You and Jerry are still together though, so did you work it out?”

“Oh we’re trying, been seeing a counselor for weeks now, but I don’t see it working,” Millie scoffed and set her glass down next to Claire’s. “It’s not like I wanna get divorced, but every time I look at him I see… her, writhing underneath him, Christ it makes my skin boil!” 

“We don’t have to talk about it,” Claire said, reaching out to lay her hand over Millie’s. “Let’s talk about something a bit lighter shall we?”

While their girls played upstairs in Brianna’s room, Claire and Millie discussed everything from new recipes to the latest flick in the cinema. Even though it was late afternoon, they both had another round of martinis and relaxed without the presence of screaming children nearby. 

Claire had just finished telling Millie about Brianna losing another one of her teeth, it had fallen out when she was trying to eat an apple and gotten stuck. Blood had poured out of Bree’s mouth and soaked the front of her dress. It was a front tooth, but Bree was so excited she had run around the house, holding up her tooth and screaming about the tooth fairy. 

“Jessica lost all her baby teeth,” Millie smiled. “Keeps asking when’s the next time money will appear under her pillow!” 

“Yes, well Brianna only has a few left now.” 

Glancing up at the clock, Claire realized that Frank would be home in about an hour from work. She really should start preparing dinner, but her woozy head and the company of Millie was keeping her parked on the couch. 

“Can I ask you something Claire?”

“Of course, I’m an open book,” Claire smiled. Well, she was open about everything except a particular red headed scot, but she was quite certain Millie wouldn’t be asking about that. 

“Have you ever—“ her friends cheeks blushed and she shook her head. “Nah, it’s silly.” 

“Wot is it, Millie?” Claire laughed, nudging her leg. 

“This may come off sounding strange, but I just wondered if you’ve ever kissed another woman,” she rushed it all out, letting out a deep breath in the process. In fact, Claire had never kissed another woman. She knew of girls that did during the war, mostly from loneliness, but Claire had experimented like that herself. It wasn’t exactly talked about either, at least not in public. 

“I haven’t,” Claire shook her head. “Have you?”

“Oh God no!” Millie’s hand flew over her heart. 

“Why do you ask?” Claire smirked. 

“I was just curious what it would be like is all, I thought maybe you had since you certainly aren’t getting any from Frank,” Millie blushed. “Forget I asked,” she waved her hand away.

As she sat there, looking at Millie, she noticed how pink her lips were. How soft her skin looked and how beautiful her friend really was. Claire had never harbored any feelings towards other women and she didn’t think she would suddenly start now, but something compelled her to lean in closer and so she did. 

“What are you doing, Claire?” Millie asked as Claire scooted closer towards her. Claire laid her hand on top of her shoulder, her other hand coming up to cup her cheek. 

“You said you wanted to know what it was like…” she waited, looking into her friend’s blue eyes, looking for a sign. 

“I did,” Millie gulped audibly. 

Claire’s heart was racing and it was all she could hear as she closed the small space between her and the other woman. It was odd at first, mostly because she hadn’t actually kissed anyone in a long time, but soon her lips found the way of it again. 

Millie was stiff at first, simply sitting there and letting Claire move against her. Sliding her hand down over her arm, Claire squeezed Millie’s hand and then parted her lips, urging her to give in. To give in to whatever was happening between them and forget everything that said it wasn’t right. The feeling of her lips on Claire’s felt right. Even if it was just this one moment that they shared, Claire felt something stir up inside her that she thought long dead. It was that feeling of being wanted. Not that Frank hadn’t wanted her, but Claire was only reminded of what she couldn’t have _(Jamie)_ every time she looked at him. 

Soft moans came from both of the women as they relaxed and began to kiss each other. Claire took charge, brushing her fingers back through Millie’s hair. She parted her lips, pressing her tongue against Millie’s and sucked lightly. Shifting slightly on the couch, Claire pressed herself flush against her friend, feeling the softness of her breasts on her own. She knew how irresponsible this was — Bree and Jessica were just upstairs. But she needed this, she needed to know that she was capable of feeling once again. 

Millie was breathing hard, her own hands resting lightly on Claire’s back. The women broke apart and looked into each other’s eyes and then started laughing. Claire leaned her forehead against Millie’s and sighed before moving back on the couch. 

Wiping at her lips, Claire met Millie’s eyes, her cheeks blushing. “So?”

“If you kiss like that with Frank, I don’t know how he ever let you get away from his bed,” Millie laughed, wiping at her own lips. “I — well I liked it.” 

“I did too,” Claire nodded in agreement. “I feel a little bit reckless, don’t you?”

They both laughed again, feeling a pump of adrenaline for doing something they shouldn’t have. It’s not like Frank would care and it’s not like she was ever going to tell him for that matter. A few moment later, before both women could talk about the kiss in more detail, Bree and Jessica came running down the stairs in search of snacks. 

“You can have an apple, but nothing more darling. Daddy will be home soon and I need to start dinner.” 

Millie rose from the couch then, followed by Claire. “I guess we better get out of your hair then, leave you to your dinner.” 

“You’re welcome to stay if you’d like!” 

“That’s a kind offer, but I know Jerry’s expecting his roast beef tonight,” Millie smiled and Claire couldn’t help but feel sorry for her. It was 1955 and divorce while not unheard of, it was still not common for a woman to leave her husband. Claire only hoped her friend would be able to work things out between her and her husband. 

“Another time then,” Claire smiled and hugged her friend goodbye. “Say ‘thank you’ to Jessica’s mum for letting her come over and play, Bree.” 

“Thank you Mrs. Nelson,” Bree smiled politely, waving as Jessica and Millie left. 

Frank came home twenty minutes later, oblivious to the way Claire jumped out of her skin at the slam of the front door. They ate dinner together as a family, and Claire was mostly silent, letting Bree tell Frank all about her day. 

That night as she feel asleep to the soft snoring of her husband, she pressed her fingers against her lips, desperately trying to recall the feeling of Millie’s lips on hers. For the first time in years, Claire didn’t feel merely like a shell of a human being, but that she had hope that one day she might find love again that really made her heart beat in her chest. 

The second time Claire felt a flutter in her heart didn’t happen until many years later. Frank had been seeing a woman named Sandy for years now — all in private of course. Claire found out about her on the day of her graduation from medical school. She knew Frank was discreet, but it was still odd to come face to face with her. But Claire couldn’t hold it over his head because she knew she gave no real effort to their marriage and they had agreed on this — to live together for the sake of Bree, but separately for the sake of their hearts. 

His name was Robert Lewis — a fellow doctor that had been flirting with Claire on and off for years. He knew she was married, he saw the ring on her left hand — had even commented on her wearing two bands on either hand. She hadn’t told him about the silver band she wore on her right… that was just for her. 

Robert was persistent and he had Claire figured out. At least he thought he did. It was obvious to anyone who looked even a little bit that Frank and Claire didn’t live the perfect marriage. Perhaps that’s why Robert kept pushing her to go out on a date with him. Bree was in her senior year of high school and in the summer she was going on a tour of colleges with Frank. Claire needed to stay behind and tend to her patients and besides, she knew Bree didn’t really want her to go with them. 

Claire spent more time at the hospital than she did with Bree and while she often regretted it, she would never regret the lives that she had saved. Medicine was a part of her, something she had always known was in her blood. That was something she had in common with Robert and so one day when he asked her yet again to have a drink with him, she agreed. But she told him to wait a month, because Bree and Frank would be gone. Claire didn’t want to risk her daughter finding out about her mother going on a date with another man. She knew Brianna wasn’t oblivious to the shouting and fighting that went on between her and Frank, but that didn’t mean she needed to learn about the way her parents lived their lives. One day, but that day wasn’t now. 

The next month passed quickly and Claire had worked herself up to a nervous wreck. It was her friend, Joe Abernathy that had convinced her to not cancel on Robert. 

“Lady J, you have a date tonight with the hottest doctor in this whole damn hospital,” he laughed. “Screw Frank, well… don’t screw Frank, but you get what I mean.” 

“Frank doesn’t give a rat’s arse what I do,” Claire sighed, crossing her arms. “It’s just one date anyways. I mostly just said yes so he would stop asking me.” 

“Where are you going?”

“A bar downtown,” Claire said as she wrapped her scarf around her neck. She was heading out from work with Robert any minute now. “It’s not like anyone will recognize me, I never leave this place!” 

“Have fun, LJ and relax. It’s just drinks and a nice night,” Joe smiled and gave her a pat on the back. “You’re a stunning woman and you might even get lucky tonight.” 

“Joe!” Claire swatted at his arm, laughing as she turned to leave their shared office. 

As it happened, the night with Robert had been rather successful. They talked about their patients and why they had wanted to study medicine. And as the night moved on, they opened up and he asked her why she had agreed to come on the date with him. 

“You want me to be honest?”

“No, I want you to lie,” Robert laughed, taking a sip of his whisky. “Tell me the truth, if you want.” 

“Well mostly I agreed because I wanted you to stop asking me,” Claire blushed. “But also I think you’re a nice man and you’ve always been kind to me.” 

“I like you, Claire Randall,” Robert lifted his glass to hers. “It’s been my honor to share this evening with you.” 

Drinks in a dimly lit bar wasn’t the only thing they shared that night. With no one at home, Claire had invited him inside. She felt reckless, tipsy and a bit aroused at the thought of having sex with him. 

_Why did doing bad things have to feel so damn good!?_

They hadn’t made it far, only to the living room where Robert had unclasped her garters and pulled her dress up around her waist. He was handsy and only a little bit taller than her. But he tasted like whisky and his kisses burned along her neck and chest. As they stumbled to the ground and Robert reached into his pocket for a condom, Claire almost stopped it there. Once he slid it down on his cock, he leaned forward and Claire moaned, shutting her eyes tight at the sensation she hadn’t felt in more than a decade. 

She wrapped one leg around his waist, angling her hips as he thrust deep into her. Something she’d locked up inside of her was let loose and she kissed his jaw, biting slightly, eliciting moans from him. Her hands wandered along his back, tugging on his shirt, pushing him into her. 

He had been gentle, but also drunk. With four hard thrusts, Claire came with a cry and Robert followed soon after, holding his body weight above her on his arms. He offered to stay the night, and she considered it, but that was all she could handle for one night. 

“Thank you, Robert,” Claire kissed his cheek at the door. “I had a good time.” 

“It was my pleasure, Claire,” he kissed her hand and then they parted ways. 

Nothing ever came out of that one date. A few months later, Robert had met a woman at a grocery store and by the time Christmas rolled around, they were engaged to be married. Claire was determined that love wasn’t in the cards for her. She had had one great love in her life. One man that she loved with all of her heart, all of her soul and she knew she would never find that again. 

Claire had managed to keep the ghost of Jamie at bay most nights and days. But a couple years later, after another fight when Frank asked her if she would ever truly move on from Jamie, he had gotten in a car accident and died. She had wept, running to his lifeless body after Frank told her the news. She was already at the hospital and ended up sitting with him for nearly an hour before his body was taken down to the morgue. 

“I did love you,” she had whispered and kissed him goodbye one last time. 

The third time Claire’s heart started to beat on its own was when after months of searching and with the help of the Reverend’s adopted son and her daughter — they found out Jamie was alive. 

At least, he was still alive back in the 18th century. He hadn’t died on Culloden Moor, he had made it out alive and was a printer in Edinburgh. Roger Wakefield had found an old clipping of a pamphlet printed by a man named Alexander Malcolm — two of Jamie’s middle names. 

It hadn’t been an easy journey. Brianna was furious with her when she told her the truth that she had kept for twenty long years. Jamie Fraser was her father and not only did she belong to another man, but that man was an 18th century highlander. This revelation had nearly broken Claire and Bree apart, but when the three of them witnessed Gillian Edgars _(Who Claire had known as Geillis Duncan)_ on top of Craig Na Dun disappear into thin air — that’s when Bree believed her. 

It took seeing it with her own eyes, for Bree to really believe Claire had been telling the truth. After that, they had spent months looking for signs of Jamie and when they found that clipping, proving that Jamie was alive, Bree had told her mother that she had to go back and find him. 

“Bree, have you thought this through? If I go, I may never be able to come back. It’s not like an elevator where you can just jump on and off.” 

“You’ve done it before,” Bree squeezed her mother’s hand. 

“But there are no guarantees. It’s… possible we may never see each other again, can you live with that?” Claire felt her heart tighten at the thought of leaving her daughter behind. “Cause I don’t know if I can. To not be there, to see you get married, walk you down the aisle. Or to watch you become a mother, hold my first grandchild…” 

“I know,” Bree looked down at their joined hands. “It won’t be easy. But I have been trying to figure out if I was more Randall or Fraser and what I realized is that I’m more _you_ than I am either of my father’s and if I can turn out to be half the woman you are, then I’ll be fine.” 

Claire lifted her hand, brushing back her daughter’s red hair, “But I’m the one who knows you better than anyone,” Claire sighed, tears filling her eyes. 

“You know who doesn’t know me?” Bree said, “Jamie. You owe it to him to go back and I want you go and tell him _everything_.” 

Claire was quiet as she looked at her daughter and then briefly down. 

“There’s something else, isn’t there?”

“What if he’s forgotten me or what if he doesn’t love me anymore?” There was still a chance that it wasn’t Jamie that was this Alexander Malcolm or that he had in fact moved on with his life. It’d been nearly twenty years since that day on Craig Na Dun. 

“You told me what you felt for Jamie was the most powerful thing you ever felt in your life, has that changed?”

“No,” Claire said quickly. 

“Then you have to trust it’s the same for him. You gave Jamie up for me, now I have to give him back to you.” Claire hugged her daughter, holding her close and trying to memorize everything about her. 

It was just a few days after Christmas that Claire left. She left her daughter behind with Roger Wakefield, hoping that she would be able to find her own happiness. She left her old life behind and focused on finding Jamie. 

With every step she took towards the print shop on Carfax Close, her heart began to beat louder and louder until she could only hear the drumming of her pulse in her ears. 

_A bell chimed as she opened the door._

_A few more steps._

_A voice._

_“Is that you Geordie? Took ye long enough.”_

_More steps. Louder heartbeat._

_“Where’d ye go to get the ash? To Glasgow?”_

_A pause._

_“It isn’t Geordie, it’s me… Claire.”_

He turned around slowly, her highlander and when his eyes met hers for the first time in twenty years, Claire’s heart came back to life and she knew everything would be alright. 


End file.
